The Silicon Valley Language Virus

WE OF THE SILICON VALLEY are a strange people. We have our own unique culture and language.

My inane and unsupportable theory about why we have our own way of speaking here is that people in technology marketing spend enormous amounts of time and energy spinning their language to make technology companies and their products sound like the Next Big Thing. Everyone gets caught up in the baloney and before you know it, we're all talking like we belong to some kind of bizarre cult.

This semiconscious "upgrading" of the language happens on many fronts. For example, you'll never hear the phrase "in the future" around these parts. It has been replaced by "going forward." The phrase "In the future" is neutral and says nothing about the speaker. But "going forward" implies progress and constant improvement. If some marketing person says, "our company plans to consider additional acquisitions going forward," he is implying that the company may be in a constant state of considering additional acquisitions as it continues to evolve toward bigger and better things. Or, more likely, he means: "We have no idea what we're going to do."

Another annoying Silicon Valley contrivance is "learnings," which replaces "knowledge." The word "learnings" means knowledge but implies that information exists in encapsulated nuggets of data that can be "captured" (another annoying Silicon Valley usage) and shared digitally. "Learnings" is "knowledge" with marketing spin.

One of the most unusual -- OK, weird -- features of that language is repetitive use of the word "so" to begin sentences when we're answering questions. (I and other technology journalists notice this because we're always asking Silicon Valley people so many questions.)

"Going forward" started here in the mid 1990s, and "learnings" in the late 1990s. The use of "so" as the first word of an answer is of more recent vintage.

"So," replaces the interjection "well" as it is used in the Midwestern and Southeastern American states and elsewhere. If you ask someone in the South for directions, they're likely to start with "Well, you turn right at the corner." The word as used here implies that the speaker is thinking about it for a second before providing a considered answer. Here in Silicon Valley, they'll say, "So you turn right at the corner," which implies that the thinking has already taken place in the past.

The word "so" is used when the answer is very well known -- or at least when the speaker wants to imply that his answer has been thoroughly reviewed by a committee and approved for public release without a non-disclosure agreement. Here's what that sounds like. You'll note that the interviewee starts out speaking standard American English, but by a third of the way into the interview enters "The Zone," beginning 90% of his sentences with the word "so."

Why is this of any concern to English speaking peoples who live outside Silicon Valley? So the reason is that our annoying little quirks of language are coming to get YOU! People unwisely associate our propagandistic speech patterns with forward-thinking ideas. They spill over into mainstream business, politics and the media. From there, it's only a matter of time before normal people in the U.S., UK, India, Australia, Canada and New Zealand start using them. It's like a virus.

Silicon Valley linguistic contrivances like these should be defeated with all the scorn and ridicule we can muster. They replace plain, clear English with the "Look at me! -- I went to Stanford!" insanity that plagues our local conversations. Just say no!

So have you captured "going forward" as one of your key learnings yet? Lemme know: [email protected]

System Tracks, Shuts Down and Locks Stolen Cars By Satellite

An anti-theft system in Pakistan enables police to track, shut down and lock stolen cars while police move in to arrest the thieves. The system, called Trakker from Trakker Pvt Ltd, has recovered more than 1,000 vehicles.

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Cell Phone Follies

Japan's Fuji Photo Film plans to ship December 14 a "palmtop" size printer for camera phone pictures. Called the Cheki Printer NP-1, the puny printer receives print jobs via a camera's infrared port, and spits out color prints at 480x640 dpi. Two CR2 lithium batteries power 100 prints.

The Korean Ministry of Information and Communication said today that it's working on legislation that would require camera phones sold in Korea to feature a fake digital "camera shutter" sound when pictures are taken. The idea is that an audible noise would protect the privacy of people because they would know their pictures are being taken.

Chatty, anal-retentive pedestrians, rejoice! NTT DoCoMo's new F672i (a.k.a. Raku Raku PHONE III) is the first mobile phone ever with a built-in pedometer. It will record your walking distance and, if you like, send that information to the e-mail address of your choice.

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What is it? Send YOUR guess to [email protected] (be sure to say where you live). If you're first with the right answer, I'll print your name in the next issue of Mike's List!

LAST WEEK'S MYSTERY PIC: No, it's not a "web server on a chip," a "contact lens for a robot," or even a "motherboard from the movie, 'Honey, I Shrunk the Pentium'" -- nor is it merely a finger, as suggested by some readers. In fact, it's Sony's miniature digital TV tuner for cell phones and PDAs, which will be manufactured by the company starting next month. The tiny tuner is not only the smallest, but most power efficient, consuming less battery power than any other similar component, according to Sony PR flaks. Mega Mike's List congratulations to Gregory A. Havenga of Tucson, Arizona, for being first with the right answer!

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