Mike's List
Online, Offline

A TRAGIC CULTURAL CHASM threatens to rend this great nation in twain. I am referring, of course, to the use and misuse of "on line."

For my readers abroad, let me explain this national crisis. "On-line" (or, increasingly, "online" without the hyphen) means "connected to or available through a computer or telecommunications system." Out here in the Western United States, that's all it means.

But in the Eastern states, most particularly the New England and Atlantic states, people say "on line" instead of "in line," as in "I waited on line at the post office for two hours."

I lived in New York during the 1990s and in ten years never acclimated to this abuse of "on line." My generous attempts to correct this error were met with a surprising resistance by New Yorkers (especially on Lawn Guyland), who insist upon the possibility of standing "on line."

When Eastern folk are no longer "on line," they don't say "I'm getting off line." They say, correctly, I'm getting "out of line." Friends: "on line" and "out of line" don't go together. If you got "out" of line, then you must have at some point gotten "in."

And why do Americans (both East and West) say during meetings, "let's talk about this offline." What they mean is, "let's talk about this after the meeting," or, more specifically, "let's talk about this when the boss isn't listening."

For me, meetings are the only time of my day when I'm "offline."

Why don't we all stick to a simple rule: "online" and "offline" are activities that require a computer and a connection to the internet.

Any use of "online" or "offline" that doesn't involve such hardware is, well, out of line.

Linguists and New Yorkers: Please send hate mail to: [email protected] We'll talk about it offline.

Don't Try This At Home

Master's degree candidates Rickard Gunee and Ali Iranpour submitted a project for their thesis that "investigates mobile gaming over GSM and Bluetooth networks." They built a concept prototype that shows "it's possible to connect two Gameboys over a GSM network by connecting to the phone using the Bluetooth plugin developed for the Gameboy." Sounds like they've been working hard.

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Lying with PhotoShop

The FilmWise web site takes stills from famous movies and uses Photoshop to remove the people, leaving their clothes floating in place in the scenery. What's the point? Well, there is none, although you get to guess what movies the scenes come from. (If you'd like to learn how to do this kind of slick PhotoShop work, take a vacation!)

Found Video

What happens when pyromaniacal nerds build a camcorder into a powerful model rocket and light the fuse? Awesome video. Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, Australian enthusiasts are taking the concept a step further by rigging a microwave video transmitter so they can watch their rocket video live. Heck, even NASA is embracing the cam-on-rocket craze.

Proof You Can Buy Anything on the Web

Yes, it's true. You CAN buy anything on the Web, including:

Prison Supplies - from the Big House to your house.

Apple Shoes - you know they're Apple products because they're overpriced and out of date.

Rubber Duck Celebrities - get your Snoop Dogg duckies while they last.

Giant Fishing Lures - stop reading Moby Dick and do something about it.

Casket Furniture - make your living room come alive.

ZDNet Editorial Staff - including former WinMag staffer Rich Castagna.

The Art Gallery

"Artist" Gordon Chiu microwaves PC software CDs and calls it art.

Photographer Justin Quinnell looks at the world from a unique perspective: from inside his mouth.

Mike's List on the Radio

Craig Crossman's Computer America features Mike Elgan every Thursday night. The show runs from 8pm to 9pm SVT (Silicon Valley Time). Listen to Computer America on your local Business TalkRadio station or over the Internet every weeknight. Don't miss Computer America!

Cell Phone Follies

The German electronics giant Siemens has come out with a new line of "cell phone accessories" for people who like to decorate themselves with overdesigned phones. In the announcement, George Appling, President of XELIBRI, the division of Siemens responsible for this travesty, said, "We envisage the scenario where people will own many fashion accessory phones and wear the one that matches their mood, the occasion, or their attire." Translation: There's a sucker born every minute -- we think our customers will buy several cell phones if we try to pawn them off as "fashion accessories." They'll be sold in department stores and fashion retailers initially in the U.K., China, including Hong Kong, in France, Germany, Italy, Singapore and Spain from April 2003, and in other markets after September 2003.

Wacky Web Sites

On my frequent visits to nearby Santa Cruz, I've often wondered where people get those hand-made macrame hats, organic briefcases and hemp pet accessories. But now I know: www.HippieCrap.com.

Finally! A web site devoted to the world of professional Cheese Racing!

Gotta-Get-It Gadgets

Sony plans to release a new fingerprint-secured Memory Stick product called the Memory Stick Puppy next month. The fingerprint recognition module can verify the identity of a user using the public key infrastructure (PKI). The correct fingerprint unlocks the memory stick which, when inserted into a device, unlocks the PKI. Unfortunately the Memory Stick Puppy will be a dog until they figure out how you can use it while the medium is buried in your device. 

The TrackerCam is a web cam with a motion detector -- and a cool trick. It not only turns on and starts recording when there's motion in the room, but will actually "lock on" to whatever or whomever is moving and follow them as they move around the room.

This $400 remote-controlled toy Hummer drives over rough terrain and features a range up to 150 feet. The air-filled rubber tires give it super grip. Oh, and did I mention that it has a video spy camera in the windshield? Watch the video on the remote-control's screen.  

Twisted Games

iSketch

Poulaga Challenge

Trials

T3trix

Laser

Last Week's Mystery Pic

No, it's not a "status report lie detector that zaps you for fudging the numbers," a "Dr. Jack Kevorkian model do-it-yourself assisted suicide machine," or even "Apple's new iHeroine," as suggested by a few readers. In fact, it's a picture of the world's first tattooing robot, named "Freddy," invented by 25-year-old Niki Passath and being demonstrated at a technology fair recently in Vienna. The robot is powered by an attached Palm organizer. Congratulations to Dennis Adams from Madison, Wisconsin, for being first with the right answer.   

Mystery Pic o' the Week

What is it? Send YOUR guess to [email protected] (be sure to say where you live). If you're first with the right answer, I'll print your name in the next issue of Mike's List!

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